Down

Down the abyss, down, down, down we go
Stare not into the darkness with frightful eyes
Do not yell with frightful voice
It is not only darkness that abides there
Your demons reside there as well

Drawing the Line

There comes a time in your life where you have to draw a line. This is it. Till here and no further. Defining the exact location of that line becomes harder the moment more than just your sense of self is involved. It's not just about the money, about holding my head high, about not wanting to cave and give up, about not wanting to give them the satisfaction of chasing me away and knowing they did so, it's not even about being the bigger person. Not that I could tell you what it is about. It's a combination of all those things yet none of them.
Usually when shitty things happen you rant about it, you vent and you offload until you gain perspective and can breathe again. I can't. The only ones I see on a daily basis are those that push me, talk shit about me behind my back, ignore me in a childish and pathetic way even though we work together only to speak to me suddenly and shout at me that I am talking down to them and need to learn some manners. They are the ones spreading lies and accusations and bets about how long it will last before others will see my "true colors".
How are you supposed to deal with this?
I have been holding my head high, I have refrained from giving these people the smackdown they so obviously deserve, I have refrained from telling everyone my side of the story, jumping on a table and shouting that it's just not true. I haven't thrown accusations around of them doing the things I have supposedly been doing, giving the evidence that they are hypocrites and are throwing stones without cause.
What I have been doing, instead, is keeping it aaaallllll in. The curses, the whining, the crying, the hating, the shouting, the yelling, the fighting. I have been working in a piss ass environment for a solid week now, been taken advantage of in regards to giving up my spare time, breaks, personal life and health so I could work, work, work. And now, now that they no longer have need of me with the end of the holidays in sight, my schedule for the next week consists of eight hours spread over three days.
It sounds so diminished when I put these thoughts to paper. I guess that is the main reason I haven't been able to draw my line clearly. Because I can't tell for sure that I am not just whining because I can't tell anyone and get the perspective I need. I feel like a loser. Which sucks, because I know I'm not. A loser that is. I know in my heart the course I have taken is the only one I can live with in the long run, much as I may want to fling curses and lies back at them in the immediate present. I guess that's what it all boils down to then, isn't it. What is the choice that will help me sleep not just tomorrow but a week, a month, and even a year from now.
Have to say, this week's been a real eye-opener. People showed their true colors and I once again proved to myself I am capable of enduring far more than I give myself credit for. Just wish that life wasn't about enduring so much as it was about living and loving it.

Clichéd sayings

There is this fine line between being arrogant and being aware of your own value. What do you do when what you know for yourself and what you hold as your deepest, most valued truth and piece of being, is considered inferior by someone who supposedly knows all about it?
All these defining points and grading systems bug me. I know my worth, I know what I excel at. Have known this for over a decade. Yet now, because of one dumb two month course that had almost nothing to do with what I usually do I suddenly find myself.. well, not exactly doubting myself. I don't know.
Mostly it is the complete dichotomy between the grade and the commentary. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't connect.
How am I supposed to accept something I do not agree with, can't get explained and just plain doesn't make sense to me?
Words are the most powerful thing in the world. I know I have a way with them. I just have to remember that I know, not knew. One letter, such a tiny thing yet it can make all the difference in the world.
The thing to do now is breathe, leave it behind me, get over the anger and indignation and try and remember that darn clichéd saying.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Yeah.
Let's start working on that

Bitching Mode On

Loyalty is one of the things I pride myself on.
If I take you into my life then I will do everything I can to be there for you. If you mess up I will forgive you and I will (eventually) even forget what happened in the first place. I will forgive a lot of things. I will stand in your corner through a heap of shit and apologize if I was the one in the wrong.
That being said. If you mess up one time too many I will forgive you a final time and then forget all about you. I will not apologize if I have done nothing wrong. I will not come begging and pleading for you to give me the time of day. I shouldn't have to.
Just because I am loyal does not mean you can walk all over me and take a piss on me while you are at it. I don't know where people get their ideas about me and who and what I am. I do know that I am fed up with all these preconceived notions people have of me that are based on other people's stories and opinions.
Last year a good friend of mine threatened me and warned me to never talk to him again or else. All because a common friend had told a story about me that wasn't true and he decided to believe anyway without ever asking for my side of the thing. I find myself stuck in a slightly similar situation and it bugs me.
I will not apologize for something I did not do.
Just because someone else has insecurities and jealousy does not mean I owe them anything other than common pleasantries. People need to stop bugging into my business and forming baseless opinions about me.

There. Rant over. If you decide to take offence then just don't. You don't know this is about you and won't know until you actually ask me and make conversation. I wanna say sorry for bitching but I am not sorry so I won't. This bitch rant has been long in coming and it feels REALLY good finally letting it out.

If you are still reading at this point you deserve some happier news. Well, it is happy for me. I have finally started writing again. Apparently the Creative Writing course really does work. The assignments there are pretty much crappy and limiting yet they also force me to think outside of my comfortable boxes. Guess I needed that at this point.

Sweet dreams for now and happy writings.

Xoxo

Things to Live by

Grant me strength in battle

Valor in living

And a clean death when my time comes

Grant me laughter in love

Honesty in living

And a pure heart to guide me through my day

Grant me grace in diversity

Serenity in living

And a truth that will lighten my way

Fill the Sky

One last hold

One last embrace

I keep you in my memories

I say goodbye and fill the sky

With all my love, all my lust and all my tears

One last time

One last moment

I say goodbye and fill the sky

With all my hate, all my anger and all my fears

One last touch

One last glimpse

You keep me in your memories

You say goodbye and watch me fill the sky

Mystery

I am strong
       I am in the moment
              I am fiercely independent
I am here
       I am a part of
              I am something more
I am someone other than you
        I am now
               as I was today
                     I will be tomorrow
               as I rose from the past
        I will one day become
something other
        I will strive to be
someone other than me

Ranting, Whining and Deciphering (wasn't math over already?)

University has this annoying habit of handing out deadlines on assignments that are just impossible to figure out. The only information you get is "deadline on such and such date". Figuring out what to do and where to upload it etcera is hurdle one.
Seriously, I wish I were kidding but unfortunately.. I am not.

Something else I wish I could change.. my accident prone, riddled with bruises and scars and boo's and old-injuries-that-act-up-and-tell-me-the-weather-like-body. Le sigh. Just had yet another pencak silat training in which I had to sit some exercises out because last Saturday some #@*! opponent in a basketball game slammed her elbow on top of my left hand, which is now an ugly blue/green and swollen kike you won't believe. Yes, I know. I am whining. My hand hurts. Sue me.

Last night I was unable to sleep thanks to this lovely thing called insomnia, I am hopeful tonight will be better. If not, at least I won't have to leave the house until five p.m. Small favors right :)

Now I will go and try to write some intelligent words on either a book or the indecipherable translation exercise.

Good night everyone!

xoxo

On theme's, clichés and curses

Lately I have been kind of stuck on the whole life's not fair bit.
It's a recurring theme in literature, in life. It is a cliché, and for a reason. No one can see into someone else's life and judge on the difficulties and struggles facing that person. Yet we all try. Or maybe that is just me. Sometimes when I look around and take stock of all the things wrong in my life and how smoothly the lives of those around me seem to go I just revert back to a five year old, wanting things to be fair.. needing things to be fair.
Let's be honest here. Life sucks. The only given is that one day, you will die. Life doesn't owe you shit, the simple fact that you are breathing and here is a gift.
I read a book once that had a saying in it, one reserved for enemies or those the person saying them simply didn't like. "May you live in interesting times." It seems like a blessing, for who would want to live a life in which nothing happens? Think upon it though, think hard. Think also on this, all great events in history can be described by just two words; the World Wars, the French Revolution, Columbus finding "India", the rise and fall of the many empires this world has seen... All of it. It can all be summarized by this: "Something happened."
History is not written about the simple things, the normal, boring, every day to day things. We are left wondering about those things, we only know the big events, the interesting events. The big something that happened.
I wouldn't mind living a simple life. Not a life of obscurity, mind you. But I would like some simplicity, a week without pain, without friends betraying me, without worrying about money, without navigating my way through a tense relationship with my mother. A week in which nothing happens.
It sounds quite nice to me.

The Delete Button, the Answer

Almost three years ago  now I made the daft (and unconscious mind you) decision to faint at the doctor's office. Me and my luck made this into more than just an embarrassing fainting spell. I managed to land on the one sharp point present in the entire office and received a hole in my head and a concussion for my efforts. Needless to say recovery has been necessary.It has also been slow, frustrating, seemingly not here.
I used to define myself as a writer, it was who I was, what I did, where I went. Yet ever since my accident my writing has suffered. I cannot say for sure it is purely the spill that made my thought process different or something else, but for some reason I no longer manage to sit in front of my computer and just type away into the small hours throughout the long hours and all the minutes in between.
The ideas are still here, I often jot down notes on whatever paperlike material I find near.. I just cannot focus enough to finish more than a small scene, a dialogue, one significant detail... and then I am bored. Or bored is not the word. I just find my thoughts drifting and the part of me that is inspired and wanting to write and write and write fades into silence. It is so frustrating because I know it is still there, I still have the ideas, I still have the character developments, I still have the plot lines; it is all ready to be written down and tweeked and edited until it is what I deem perfect. Yet. Such a small word and yet so significant. It colors a sentence and now it colors my waking hours.
I decided enough is enough. My studies offer a course in Creative Writing, I took it. Now I have to write a small story every week, complete a portfolio and be graded on that. It is ridiculously easy to write 500 words. The hardest part is stopping at just 500 words. We have this book which offers advice for the beginning writer and it actually makes sense and maybe, just maybe, I actually find it useful. Already I feel that small voice of inspiration turning up the volume.
It is time, I think. Time to stop wondering and guessing and just, I don't know.. suck it up? Whatever it is time for, I have made the decision to be more diligent, stricter to myself. From now on I will write again, even if nothing comes from my fingertips but drivel, it is time to start again. After all, there is always the delete button.