There comes a time in your life where you have to draw a line. This is it. Till here and no further. Defining the exact location of that line becomes harder the moment more than just your sense of self is involved. It's not just about the money, about holding my head high, about not wanting to cave and give up, about not wanting to give them the satisfaction of chasing me away and knowing they did so, it's not even about being the bigger person. Not that I could tell you what it is about. It's a combination of all those things yet none of them.
Usually when shitty things happen you rant about it, you vent and you offload until you gain perspective and can breathe again. I can't. The only ones I see on a daily basis are those that push me, talk shit about me behind my back, ignore me in a childish and pathetic way even though we work together only to speak to me suddenly and shout at me that I am talking down to them and need to learn some manners. They are the ones spreading lies and accusations and bets about how long it will last before others will see my "true colors".
How are you supposed to deal with this?
I have been holding my head high, I have refrained from giving these people the smackdown they so obviously deserve, I have refrained from telling everyone my side of the story, jumping on a table and shouting that it's just not true. I haven't thrown accusations around of them doing the things I have supposedly been doing, giving the evidence that they are hypocrites and are throwing stones without cause.
What I have been doing, instead, is keeping it aaaallllll in. The curses, the whining, the crying, the hating, the shouting, the yelling, the fighting. I have been working in a piss ass environment for a solid week now, been taken advantage of in regards to giving up my spare time, breaks, personal life and health so I could work, work, work. And now, now that they no longer have need of me with the end of the holidays in sight, my schedule for the next week consists of eight hours spread over three days.
It sounds so diminished when I put these thoughts to paper. I guess that is the main reason I haven't been able to draw my line clearly. Because I can't tell for sure that I am not just whining because I can't tell anyone and get the perspective I need. I feel like a loser. Which sucks, because I know I'm not. A loser that is. I know in my heart the course I have taken is the only one I can live with in the long run, much as I may want to fling curses and lies back at them in the immediate present. I guess that's what it all boils down to then, isn't it. What is the choice that will help me sleep not just tomorrow but a week, a month, and even a year from now.
Have to say, this week's been a real eye-opener. People showed their true colors and I once again proved to myself I am capable of enduring far more than I give myself credit for. Just wish that life wasn't about enduring so much as it was about living and loving it.
