Down

Down the abyss, down, down, down we go
Stare not into the darkness with frightful eyes
Do not yell with frightful voice
It is not only darkness that abides there
Your demons reside there as well

Drawing the Line

There comes a time in your life where you have to draw a line. This is it. Till here and no further. Defining the exact location of that line becomes harder the moment more than just your sense of self is involved. It's not just about the money, about holding my head high, about not wanting to cave and give up, about not wanting to give them the satisfaction of chasing me away and knowing they did so, it's not even about being the bigger person. Not that I could tell you what it is about. It's a combination of all those things yet none of them.
Usually when shitty things happen you rant about it, you vent and you offload until you gain perspective and can breathe again. I can't. The only ones I see on a daily basis are those that push me, talk shit about me behind my back, ignore me in a childish and pathetic way even though we work together only to speak to me suddenly and shout at me that I am talking down to them and need to learn some manners. They are the ones spreading lies and accusations and bets about how long it will last before others will see my "true colors".
How are you supposed to deal with this?
I have been holding my head high, I have refrained from giving these people the smackdown they so obviously deserve, I have refrained from telling everyone my side of the story, jumping on a table and shouting that it's just not true. I haven't thrown accusations around of them doing the things I have supposedly been doing, giving the evidence that they are hypocrites and are throwing stones without cause.
What I have been doing, instead, is keeping it aaaallllll in. The curses, the whining, the crying, the hating, the shouting, the yelling, the fighting. I have been working in a piss ass environment for a solid week now, been taken advantage of in regards to giving up my spare time, breaks, personal life and health so I could work, work, work. And now, now that they no longer have need of me with the end of the holidays in sight, my schedule for the next week consists of eight hours spread over three days.
It sounds so diminished when I put these thoughts to paper. I guess that is the main reason I haven't been able to draw my line clearly. Because I can't tell for sure that I am not just whining because I can't tell anyone and get the perspective I need. I feel like a loser. Which sucks, because I know I'm not. A loser that is. I know in my heart the course I have taken is the only one I can live with in the long run, much as I may want to fling curses and lies back at them in the immediate present. I guess that's what it all boils down to then, isn't it. What is the choice that will help me sleep not just tomorrow but a week, a month, and even a year from now.
Have to say, this week's been a real eye-opener. People showed their true colors and I once again proved to myself I am capable of enduring far more than I give myself credit for. Just wish that life wasn't about enduring so much as it was about living and loving it.

Clichéd sayings

There is this fine line between being arrogant and being aware of your own value. What do you do when what you know for yourself and what you hold as your deepest, most valued truth and piece of being, is considered inferior by someone who supposedly knows all about it?
All these defining points and grading systems bug me. I know my worth, I know what I excel at. Have known this for over a decade. Yet now, because of one dumb two month course that had almost nothing to do with what I usually do I suddenly find myself.. well, not exactly doubting myself. I don't know.
Mostly it is the complete dichotomy between the grade and the commentary. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't connect.
How am I supposed to accept something I do not agree with, can't get explained and just plain doesn't make sense to me?
Words are the most powerful thing in the world. I know I have a way with them. I just have to remember that I know, not knew. One letter, such a tiny thing yet it can make all the difference in the world.
The thing to do now is breathe, leave it behind me, get over the anger and indignation and try and remember that darn clichéd saying.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Yeah.
Let's start working on that

Bitching Mode On

Loyalty is one of the things I pride myself on.
If I take you into my life then I will do everything I can to be there for you. If you mess up I will forgive you and I will (eventually) even forget what happened in the first place. I will forgive a lot of things. I will stand in your corner through a heap of shit and apologize if I was the one in the wrong.
That being said. If you mess up one time too many I will forgive you a final time and then forget all about you. I will not apologize if I have done nothing wrong. I will not come begging and pleading for you to give me the time of day. I shouldn't have to.
Just because I am loyal does not mean you can walk all over me and take a piss on me while you are at it. I don't know where people get their ideas about me and who and what I am. I do know that I am fed up with all these preconceived notions people have of me that are based on other people's stories and opinions.
Last year a good friend of mine threatened me and warned me to never talk to him again or else. All because a common friend had told a story about me that wasn't true and he decided to believe anyway without ever asking for my side of the thing. I find myself stuck in a slightly similar situation and it bugs me.
I will not apologize for something I did not do.
Just because someone else has insecurities and jealousy does not mean I owe them anything other than common pleasantries. People need to stop bugging into my business and forming baseless opinions about me.

There. Rant over. If you decide to take offence then just don't. You don't know this is about you and won't know until you actually ask me and make conversation. I wanna say sorry for bitching but I am not sorry so I won't. This bitch rant has been long in coming and it feels REALLY good finally letting it out.

If you are still reading at this point you deserve some happier news. Well, it is happy for me. I have finally started writing again. Apparently the Creative Writing course really does work. The assignments there are pretty much crappy and limiting yet they also force me to think outside of my comfortable boxes. Guess I needed that at this point.

Sweet dreams for now and happy writings.

Xoxo

Things to Live by

Grant me strength in battle

Valor in living

And a clean death when my time comes

Grant me laughter in love

Honesty in living

And a pure heart to guide me through my day

Grant me grace in diversity

Serenity in living

And a truth that will lighten my way

Fill the Sky

One last hold

One last embrace

I keep you in my memories

I say goodbye and fill the sky

With all my love, all my lust and all my tears

One last time

One last moment

I say goodbye and fill the sky

With all my hate, all my anger and all my fears

One last touch

One last glimpse

You keep me in your memories

You say goodbye and watch me fill the sky

Mystery

I am strong
       I am in the moment
              I am fiercely independent
I am here
       I am a part of
              I am something more
I am someone other than you
        I am now
               as I was today
                     I will be tomorrow
               as I rose from the past
        I will one day become
something other
        I will strive to be
someone other than me